When Marriage Triggers Childhood Wounds: A Salutogenic View on Relational Regression
- Bernadette Chin, MSc
- Oct 11
- 4 min read
By Bernadette Chin, Principal Therapist, My Inner Child Clinic
Introduction: When Intimacy Feels Like Regression
A post on Reddit recently caught my attention. It read:
“Marriage is forcing me to deal with childhood wounds and emotional regression. Should I try therapy or separate?”
Behind this question lies a common but rarely discussed experience — how intimate relationships can awaken the parts of us we thought we had already healed.
What feels like “I’m falling apart” is often our nervous system’s way of saying, “I’m ready to heal at a deeper level.”
At My Inner Child Clinic, we see this not as dysfunction but as a sign of readiness. In a trauma-informed, salutogenic approach, the focus isn’t on what’s wrong, but on what’s still working — the inner strengths, patterns, and capacities that want to grow stronger.
1. The Story: When the Past Meets the Present
In her post, the writer shared about childhood neglect and instability, years of therapy, and later finding a relationship that initially felt safe. Over time, her husband’s people-pleasing and emotional avoidance triggered her feelings of neglect and helplessness — leading her to wonder if she had “regressed.”
This dynamic is more common than we think.
In adult partnerships, our protective strategies often resurface — not because we’ve failed, but because the relationship is the first place safe enough for our nervous system to reveal unfinished business.
2. What’s Really Happening Beneath “Regression”
When we feel disconnected or unsupported, our body instinctively reaches for old safety strategies:
Some people overfunction and take charge.
Others withdraw, appease, or shut down.
These are not flaws. They are competencies — adaptive responses that once protected us in overwhelming environments.
In adulthood, those same strengths can start to feel like barriers. But viewed through a trauma-informed lens, they’re simply systems trying to reorganise.
Regression is not failure. It’s the nervous system saying: "I trust this connection enough to show you my unhealed parts.”
3. When Strengths Collide in Marriage
In the Reddit example, both partners brought valuable survival strengths:
Her self-reliance and emotional awareness, built from years of navigating neglect.
His adaptability and conflict avoidance, developed to stay safe around control or criticism.
These competencies once kept them safe — but in marriage, they now misalign. Her need for co-regulation meets his instinct to retreat. Both feel unseen, and both systems move into protection mode.
A salutogenic therapist helps couples see these patterns not as incompatibility, but as two nervous systems trying to find safety together.
4. The Salutogenic Approach: Working With What Still Works
Instead of focusing on what’s broken, we begin by identifying what’s already working — awareness, care, curiosity, the wish to connect.
From there, therapy helps to reorganise these strengths into new, sustainable ways of relating.
At My Inner Child Clinic, our trauma-informed work often integrates:
Inner Child Healing – reconnecting with the younger emotional parts that still seek safety and reassurance.
Hypnotherapy-assisted deep work – guiding the body and mind into calm states where the adult self can access compassion, confidence, and choice.
Salutogenic mapping – identifying strengths, coping mechanisms, and existing resilience factors as the foundation for growth.
We don’t rush to fix what hurts — we expand what already supports.
5. How We Responded: A Real Example
Here’s how I responded to the writer, adapted from the original Reddit thread:
> “What you describe shows a lot of awareness — not regression. Your ability to notice patterns, name needs, and reflect on both your and your husband’s responses is already part of your healing capacity.
When two people come together, their nervous systems bring the strategies that once kept them safe. Yours may have been self-reliance; his, avoidance. These are not flaws — they’re competencies that now need reorganising so both of you can feel safe in new ways.
A trauma-informed, salutogenic approach focuses on what’s still working inside you — your awareness, your care, your wish to build stability. Some clients find Inner Child Healing or gentle hypnotherapy-assisted sessions helpful to reconnect with the calm, capable adult self who can soothe younger parts and set boundaries with compassion.
You’re not broken or behind; your system is simply asking for more balance, support, and co-regulation. That’s a sign of readiness, not failure.”
6. Deconstructing the Reply: The Science Behind the Tone
This is the core of salutogenic therapy:
We don’t interpret distress as damage; we see it as the system’s call for balance, safety, and growth.
7. Takeaway: You Are Not Broken
When marriage reawakens old wounds, it doesn’t always mean the relationship is doomed.
Sometimes, it’s the body’s way of saying, “You are finally safe enough to heal what was once too hard to face.”
Healing begins by recognising that your reactions are not signs of weakness — they’re signs of wisdom.
Your system is intelligent. It knows when you are ready to grow.
8. A Gentle Invitation
If this story resonates with you, you’re not alone.
At My Inner Child Clinic, we help individuals and couples heal the past that shows up in the present — using trauma-informed, salutogenic therapy that rebuilds safety and strengthens connection.
👉 Book a confidential consultation
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