A Singapore Couple Therapist Guide to Healing before Starting Infidelity Counselling
How do I trust my spouse after finding out of the affair? Do I need to? Hear from a Level 3 Gottman Couple Therapist in Singapore and be guided through the feeling of uncertainty and frustration and move into a space of clarity and hope.
If you are reading this, you may be facing one of the most painful experiences in your relationship—infidelity. The hurt, betrayal, and uncertainty can feel overwhelming, and it’s natural to wonder if your relationship can survive.
Healing from an affair is not about forgetting—it’s about rebuilding. And rebuilding starts with safety, honesty, and clear boundaries. Boundaries are not about punishment; they are about creating a space where both partners feel secure enough to heal.
Using insights from Gottman Couples Therapy, we’ll explore how to restore trust through meaningful, step-by-step actions. This guide is designed to support you with compassion, helping you move forward at a pace that feels right for you.
Why Boundaries Matter in Affair Recovery
After infidelity, couples often struggle with two conflicting needs: the betrayed partner seeks reassurance and security, while the unfaithful partner may feel defensive or overwhelmed by guilt. Without clear boundaries, conversations can spiral into blame, withdrawal, or repeated pain cycles.
Healthy boundaries help:
Create a safe space for healing.
Prevent misunderstandings that fuel further resentment.
Provide structure for rebuilding emotional and physical connection.
According to Dr. John Gottman, long-term trust is restored through consistent, attuned actions—what he calls "small, positive moments that turn toward each other." Boundaries help structure these moments.
Additionally, Gottman’s research highlights that forgiveness is not a one-time event but a process. Couples who successfully heal after an affair engage in three essential stages: Atone, Attune, and Attach. These stages involve taking responsibility for the betrayal, rebuilding emotional intimacy, and restoring physical connection over time.
5 Key Boundaries for Rebuilding Trust After an Affair
1️⃣ Full Transparency and Open Communication
Why it matters: Trust is rebuilt when honesty becomes the foundation of every interaction.
How to implement:
Establish clear expectations around phone and social media use (e.g., sharing passwords if it provides reassurance).
Use scheduled check-ins rather than constant interrogation to avoid emotional exhaustion.
Create a safe word for when discussions become too overwhelming and need a pause.
Gottman Couple Therapist's Insight: In affairs, secrecy is often more damaging than the act itself. Transparency is a daily practice, not just a one-time promise.
2️⃣ No-Contact Rule with the Affair Partner
Why it matters: True healing cannot begin while lingering ties exist.
How to implement:
A clear, written agreement that outlines no further communication (unless necessary for professional reasons).
If unavoidable (e.g., co-worker, ex-co-parent), create rules for transparency (e.g., informing the partner of all interactions in advance).
Consider writing a closure letter together if the betrayed partner feels it would aid healing.
Gottman Couple Therapist's Insight: Couples who commit to cutting off external attachments recover faster and experience deeper emotional repair.
Additionally, Gottman’s research suggests that betrayals happen when trust erodes over time, so firm boundaries must be set to prevent future emotional drift.
This is a decision to heal made by both parties and the cheating spouse addresses the unmet need and expectation of justice (righting a wrong), and this effort represents a bid for connection and a tangible start to healing the wound.
3️⃣ Emotional Check-ins and Repair Conversations
Why it matters: The betrayed partner needs reassurance, and the unfaithful partner needs space to express remorse without defensiveness.
How to implement:
Set weekly check-ins where each partner shares emotions without blame.
Use structured questions, such as:
“What emotions came up for you this week?”
“How can I support your healing today?”
Learn Gottman’s "Turning Toward" strategy—acknowledging small bids for connection, like responding with warmth instead of withdrawal.
Regulation Tip: If emotions escalate, pause and use slow breathing
techniques to regulate before continuing.
The goal is to regulate first then express the unmet need in a safe way to bid for connection. If you are ready to reflect on your relationship situation, click the breathing icon to start the free reflection guide to assist you in discerning the healing path forward.
Gottman Couple Therapist's Insight: Research shows that successful couples develop a "state of union"—where both partners create a culture of appreciation, meaning, and friendship to counteract the past betrayal.
4️⃣ Relationship Repair Rituals
Why it matters: Emotional reconnection is essential to moving past the betrayal.
How to implement:
Start daily gratitude rituals (e.g., “One thing I appreciated about you today was…”). Ideally the emotion of gratitude should be felt and experienced in the entire body and focused on the emotion rather than the thought about being grateful.
Schedule affair-free time—moments where the affair is not discussed but connection is the focus.
Relearn physical intimacy through gradual, non-sexual touch, such as holding hands or hugging.
Gottman Couple Therapist's Insight: According to Gottman’s studies, couples who dedicate time to shared rituals—such as meaningful conversations or mutual hobbies—recover trust more effectively. The goal is to shift the focus from pain to creating new positive experiences together.
5️⃣ Individual Growth & Self-Accountability
Why it matters: The unfaithful partner must take responsibility for their actions without excuses, while the betrayed partner must find self-care strategies that allow them to process emotions.
How to implement:
The unfaithful partner commits to self-reflection and therapy to understand why the affair happened.
The betrayed partner engages in self-care practices (meditation, journaling, supportive friendships).
Consider a shared commitment statement, outlining values and intentions moving forward.
Gottman Couple Therapist's Insight: The betrayed partner should feel emotionally safe before moving forward. According to Gottman’s research, healing happens when the hurt partner feels heard, validated, and emotionally supported.
When to Seek Professional Counselling for Infidelity?
Some couples can heal independently, but others benefit from infidelity counselling in Singapore.
Here are signs it may be time to seek help:
Recurring, unresolved arguments about the affair.
The betrayed partner feels permanently stuck in pain.
The unfaithful partner feels overwhelmed with guilt or resentment.
There is uncertainty about whether to stay together or separate.
At My Inner Child Clinic, we specialise in infidelity recovery, helping couples move from crisis to connection. Therapy provides a safe, guided space to rebuild trust, reestablish emotional security, and navigate forgiveness in a healthy, regulated way.
Personal Reflection: Post-Infidelity Healing Checklist
Healing takes time, patience, and structure. Fill in our free Post-Infidelity Boundary Guide, a step-by-step checklist for couples committed to repairing their relationship.
Final Words: Rebuilding is a Journey, Not a Destination
Healing after an affair is not about returning to the past—it’s about creating a new, stronger foundation for the future. We hope that the guide can help heal the relationship and build trust and we sincerely wish the best outcome for you.
If you and your partner are ready to take that step, remember that healing happens in small, consistent moments. With time, commitment, and the right support, trust can be rebuilt, and love can deepen in ways you never imagined.
You are not alone. Healing is possible. 💙
If you are open to considering infidelity counselling in Singapore, click the picture below for more information or book a session with us today.
Yorumlar